Tuesday, August 02, 2005

FAQ: Dating a Quadriplegic

Hi kids, today's blog is devoted to answering some frequently asked questions about dating a quadriplegic. Many people have had successful relationships with the mobility-challenged. Success stories include Mrs. Stephen Hawking, Mrs. Christopher Reeve, and Roy Campanella's gay lover (just kidding, Dodger fans. Roy was a paraplegic, not a quadriplegic.) Here are some answers to your questions, and a few "do"s and "don't"s.

Q: If my quadriplegic lover has insecurity about his/her inability to maintain arousal, not to mention FEEL arousal, should I lovingly reassure him/her that it's okay, and that I understand?

A: In two words, FUCK NO! Do you think LYING to your quadriplegic mate is going to make him/her feel better? Tell the truth. Ladies, ask if you can use part of your lover's feeding tube as a phallic replacement. Guys, spread some lubricant on that hole in her throat and go to town. Don't forget, you have needs too.

Q: If my lover wants to experiment, should I wait to consult a licensed physician, or should I sensitively allow him/her to explore their sexuality without ruining the mood?

A: What a stupid question. Are you sure YOU'RE not brain-damaged? Of COURSE you should consult a physician first. Do you want a fucking lawsuit on your hands? For example: suppose, guys, that your crippled lady friend wants you to bend her legs back over her head like that girl in the candy bar commercial. Do you want to run the risk of hittin it so hard, she re-gains feeling and has to come off workman's comp or government assistance? Hell no. It's better to be safe than sorry.

Q: When I'm done getting my rocks off, should I offer my handi-capable partner a cigarette also? Or would that be a waste of a cigarette?

A: What a vile, insensitive question. Fortunately, I can answer that fairly easily. Hell no, you shouldnt! Those things cause cancer, and if there's anything worse than being a quadriplegic, its being a quadriplegic with cancer.

The Dos and Don'ts of Banging a Quadriplegic

DO: Treat him/her with the same tenderness, respect, and love as you would a lover that wasn't crippled.
DONT: Tell him/her when to moan, how loud, and to call you "The Two-Legged, Mobile Love Machine".

DO: Offer to describe how wonderful the experience with him/her was, and how loved and special they made you feel.
DONT: Say "Thank god you're crippled, or you'd be a really shitty lay."

DO: Clean up after yourself when you're done; change the sheets, light some candles, burn some incense, steam the bone marrow out of the carpet.
DONT: Hang your dirty underwear on his/her head while you take a shower afterwards.

Follow these simple guidelines, and your experience with a handicapped lover won't turn into just another meaningless hookup with somebody that can't run away from you.


Blogger Artee Jay said...

Man you're a piece of shit. I happen to be dating someone in this situation. This is just horrid. Terrible humor. Terribly cold. I'm super offended. That was probably you're intent though, hey Smartass?

9:56 PM


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